Porn! The Musical

SUMMARY:
Porn: The Musical! – A fun-filled romp about an actor, Jack Hammer, that has a dream to become the world’s greatest porn star!  Jack teams up with down-trodden director, Richard “Dick” Hardman, to make the greatest porn ever made.  They hire an eclectic team of performers to create the film; including the world’s oldest porn star, a dominatrix, her gimp, and many more.  During filming, Jack falls in love with the naive lead actress, Sarah Swallows, who has accepted the job without realizing the true nature of the project.  The local church group, led by Bill Goodword and his wife, Mary, find out about the production and decide it must be shut down.  Mayhem ensues.   Porn: The Musical! echoes the classic music theatre style of such shows as A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum and Oklahoma!.

Created by AJ Laflamme, Mike Ellis, Cory Doran; Written by AJ Laflamme; Music by Cory Doran

SELECTED SCENES:

SCENE THREE

Lights up on the Frank.

Frank:  So, Jack and Dick set out to make the Greatest Porn Ever Made.  They assembled a cast with remarkable talent and experience.  There was: Kandy Cain, star of the online porn phenomenon, Mouth Full of Kandy, and co-producer of the film; Trixie & Gimp, the country’s leading talent in Sado-Masochistic Arts; the world’s oldest porn star, known affectionately in the business as Grandma Penny; and many more,  but one role went unfilled.  The girl to take Jack’s record breaking shot.  So they held auditions...

Lights up on the audition studio.  Dick is interviewing an extremely bubbly and eager young woman.

Dick:  So, theatre, eh?  Ever worked on a film like this before?

Sarah:  Oh, yes, I’ve done a number of independent films, but nothing of this stature.

Dick:  Really?  You know you’re going have to get naked, right? That don’t bother you, do it?

Sarah:  For art, I’ll do anything.  Once in college I had to be topless for a student film.

Dick: Do you flinch when things fly at your face?

Sarah: Nope!

(Dick throws something at her face and she stands there and takes it.)

Dick:  Well, that’s all I got.  If my partner would-

Jack walks in the door.

Dick:  - Ah!  There he is.  Sarah, I’d like to introduce you to the writer and star of our film, Mr. Jack Hammer.

Sarah:  Wow!  Are you famous?

Jack:  I guess, a little.  Have you seen Everybody Does Raymond?

Sarah shakes her head ‘no’.

Jack: Little Brothel on the Prairie?

Sarah shakes her head ‘no’.

Jack: Leave it in Beaver?

Sarah shakes her head ‘no’.

Dick: Dr. Tickles’ Tickle Trunk Extravaganza?

Sarah:  Oh, yes!  Dr. Tickles! How was Princess Fairy Plum, I always thought she would be so nice, but I could see her having a mean side, oh, now I’m rambling.  I’m so sorry.

Jack:  No, it’s fine.  Let’s see what you’ve got.

Jack sits down and Sarah takes her place in front to do her monologue.

Sarah:  Hello, my name is Sarah and today I will be performing a piece from the Vagina Monologues.

                “This is my vagina.  It is like a delicate flower.  It begins timid and small but grows when watered.  When the sun shines down, it blossoms.  Slowly, it opens/

Dick:  Alright sweetheart, very nice, but I’m going to see if you can take some direction.  I want you to do the same thing but pretend like you are trying to seduce the person you are talking to.

Sarah:  But the person I’m talking to is my vagina.

Dick:  Alright, I’m liking it, go with that.

Sarah starts again, but seductively.

Sarah:  “This is my vagina.  It is like a delicate flower.  It begins timid and small but grows when watered. Damp and moist, it rises. When the sun shines down, it blossoms.  Slowly, it opens.  One by one, the petals fold back, embracing the warm sensation of the sun’s rays.  Dew gently rolls down each petal.  The sweet nectar that lies at the centre attracts the birds and the bees.  They come to drink of my flower.  The cool wind blows and a shiver is sent through the stem.  A flood is coming.  The deluge will overcome my flower and it will wilt, but when the sun shines, it shall blossom once more.    There are no waters that will destroy my flower, it is strong.  It is the giver of life.  It is a symbol of beauty.  It is the font of all pleasure. This is my vagina, my flower.”

Dick’s lines are interjected throughout Sarah’s monologue.

Dick: Great!  Now more! (Sarah responds) Fantastic!  Now, Jack, go stand up there so she has someone to work with.  Pretend he is your vagina and you want to get him to sleep with you. (Sarah keeps going getting more and more physical with Jack) Yes, yes!  More, more! (Sarah is now going over the top and throws Jack onto an nearby couch and straddles him) Bravo, my dear, bravo!  That’s all I need to see. You good, Jacky-boy?

Jack (still underneath Sarah): Yeah, that’s great!  Good Job!

Sarah:  So, does this mean I got the part?!

Jack: Dick?

Dick:  Yeah, yeah.  I can work with this one.

Jack:  Great, well, it was nice meeting you, Ms....?

Sarah:  Swallows.

Jack:  Pardon?!

Sarah:  My name is Sarah Swallows.

Jack:  Oh, yes... and Dick explained to you about the project?

Sarah:  Oh yes, he said that this is going to be a revolutionary piece that redefines the genre and melds many different styles into one amazing work of art.

Jack looks quizzically at Dick.

Dick:  Or something to that effect.

Sarah:  The role you are casting for is the Kabuki maiden who falls in love with the doomed prince.

Jack looks quizzically at Dick.

Dick:  It’s bukkake, sweetheart.

Sarah:  Oh, right, but that’s like kabuki, right? 

Dick:  Yeah, just like kabuki, but with cock in it.

Sarah:  Sounds great!  I’ll see you on the first day of shooting!  It was a pleasure meeting you Mr. Hammer.  I’m really looking forward to working with you.

Jack:  Likewise. (Sarah leaves.) Dick?

Dick:  Yes, Jack.

Jack:  Does that girl know that she is going to be in a porn film?

Dick:  Of course, she even did some softcore stuff in college.  You heard the girl, just a little vacant between the ears is all.  I’m sure you can think of something to fill that space with though, right?!  (he laughs heartily, Jack looks out to where Sarah has just left)

Lights over to Sarah who has just left the studio.

“SWALLOW’S SONG”

As a young girl I would work and train for hours,

Now as a woman I am able to be me

To be the one who’s loved, respected and admired,

As the famous starlet shown up on the screen

It’s easy I hear.

‘Can you smile for me dear?’

Yes I can Mr Famous Director!

‘Oh, you’ll be a star,

Babe I’ll take you real far,

With the Hollywood lights and an Oscar.’

Now I’ve been told to watch and wait till I am older,

But my spirit tells me there’s a world to see,

Success will come to those who are much bolder

From my adolescent vestiges be free.

Yes I want the same,

All the fashion and fame,

My dreams as a movie star actor!

Humble wishes it’s true,

But when I’m feeling blue,

Dream I’ll buy my Mom that riding tractor.

But should I listen to my Dad,

Says this life will leave me sad,

Shallow, coarse, destroyed and broken

Or do I fight here for my dream

See the sights here left unseen,

To be a Star!

To be a Star!

               

I’ll make my Mom proud,

As my fans cheer aloud,

She’ll just smile and say ‘Oh my, that looks fun!’

My life all complete,

I’ll parade down the street,

With a mansion that rests by the ocean!

               

To be a Star!

To be a Star!

I want to shine!

SCENE EIGHT

Lights up on Mike Wiggles downstage.

 Mike:  Hi hon,... yeah, I’m just leaving now.  My boss ripped me a new one and now I’m being sent home early... No, they’ve got some other guys filling the gap... Don’t worry, I can take it.  I’ll be back in the middle of the action tomorrow, just you wait.  At least, I can take Suzy to her piano lessons tonight!... Okay, see you soon!  Love you!

Enter Jack.

Jack: Morning Mike, leaving so soon?

Mike:  Yeah, took on a little more than I could handle this morning, so now I need to rest up for the big shoot tomorrow.

Jack: Well, get better, we need you.  Tomorrow we film the Second Cumming.

Mike: Don’t worry, I’ll be there.

Mike leaves and Trixie and Gimp enter from the other side of the stage.

Trixie: Oh, Jack!  Good.  We have a problem! Mike hurt himself during the choking scene this morning and they sent in one of the schiza guys to cover for him.

Jack:  So what’s the problem?

Gimp: makes gestures that have to do with choking, then what looks like anal sex, then pooping.

Trixie: Like, eww!

Jack:  I see, well, have you talked to Dick.

Trixie:  If Dick were around, do you think I would have come running to you?  Like get a clue!

Jack:  Where’s Dick?

Trixie:  He hasn’t shown up yet this morning. Gimp makes gestures as to what he thinks the excuse for Dick’s absence is.

Jack: I don’t think that’s it.

Trixie:  So what are you going to do about the schiza guy?

Jack: I’ll see who else I can find.

The Furries walk past. All stop and stare in disgust.

Trixie: Don’t even think about it!

Gimp shrugs as if he would be okay with it.  Trixie pulls on his chain and leads him offstage.

Enter Sarah.

Sarah:  Good morning, handsome! She gives Jack a kiss.

Jack:  Hey!  Have you seen Dick?

Sarah:  No, why?  Is everything okay?

Jack:  Yeah, it’s just not like him to be late.

The schiza guy walks past with a choke collar on.  All glare at him as he passes.

Sarah:  I just wanted to say I had such a great time last night and my mom is very excited to meet you.

Jack:  Your mom?

Sarah:  Yeah, I’ve invited her to the premiere.

Jack:  What?!

Trixie: (offstage) JACK?!!!!

Jack: Oh shit, the schiza guy.

Sarah:  What?

Jack:  Listen, I’ve got to take care of a couple of things right now, but can you promise me we can find some time to talk later?

Sarah:  Of course, Mr. Producer-Writer-Star-Boyfriend! 

Jack leans in for a kiss.  Kandy enters.

Kandy: What?!  You don’t tell me when meetings get cancelled?  I’ve been waiting for you and Dick for -

Trixie: (offstage) JACK!!!!!

Jack (to Kandy):  Not now!

Jack exits. Sarah crosses over humming the romantic ballad from the evening before.

Kandy:  Well, you seem awfully chipper this morning!

Sarah: (sighs) I had the most amazing date last night.

Kandy:  (disinterested) and how was Romeo?

Sarah:  He was great!  He did everything I always dreamed of.  I think I might be falling in love.

Kandy:  (brimming with sass) Well that’s just grand.

Sarah:  (goes very lovey dovey dramatic) I can hardly believe how great life is going.  (Kandy starts rolling her eyes and fake talking) I just finished school and immediately land this amazing film only to fall in love with the writer/producer and star. (Kandy stops) I feel like I’m in a fairy tale!

Kandy:  (Disbelief) You and Jack?!  (Sass and internal anger) Well now, I guess that makes sense.  You are a very lucky girl! Jack is certainly a great partner.

Sarah: Yes, he’s very understanding of my needs.

Kandy:  You don’t need to tell me.  He’s orally gifted as it were.  Lots of diction.

Sarah:  I’m not sure I know what you mean. He is a great kisser.

Kandy: And?

Sarah: And what?

Kandy: Don’t play stupid with me.  You had sex with him to get the role.

Sarah: Of course not, I’m a virgin!  He said he would wait.

Kandy: (disbelief with reserved laughter) Really?! (aside) Oh, this is too good to be true! (to Sarah) Hm, I see. Well, I suppose in his line of work, it doesn’t really matter if he’s not getting any at home.

Sarah: (Now quite confused and concerned) And what’s that supposed to mean?

Kandy: You’d think he was a baker with the amount of pie he gets.

Sarah: Huh?

Kandy: He has sex with a lot of women.

Sarah: How do you know this?!

Kandy: Let’s just say he’s performed on my stage many, many times before.

Sarah:  Sorry, I don’t follow.

Kandy:  I’m the host of the A Mouth Full of Kandy.

Sarah: Huh?

Kandy:  The most popular sex show on the internet.  Jack has appeared on the show a couple of times.

Sarah:  What?!  Why would he be on your show?

Kandy: You really are that dense aren’t you?  He’s Jack fucking Hammer!  Only the biggest name in adult films since Ron Jeremy and he’s way hotter.

Sarah:  I thought he was the star of Dr. Tickles’ Tickle Trunk Extravaganza.

Kandy:  That was ages ago.  How could you not know that?  You’ve been working on this production for weeks!

Sarah:  Wait, are you saying that this is... (lightbulb finally goes on), is this... a porn?

Kandy:  No it’s a post-modern rendition of one of Shakespear’s-YES IT’S A PORN! 

Sarah:  EEEEEEECK!  I can’t believe this!  I feel so, so, so... shitty!

The schiza guys all look around the corner.  Kandy throws a roll of toilet paper at them.

Sarah:  I can’t believe Jack didn’t tell me.

Kandy:  (biggest grin on face) Hate to be the one to break it to you, hon. 

Enter Jack.

Jack:  Has anyone seen, Dick?

Sarah turns to see Jack.

Sarah:  How could you?!  You’re nothing but a filthy, dirty sex person!  How could you tell me all those amazing things knowing that I didn’t know that’s what you do all day?  No wonder you didn’t try to pressure me last night, you just show up today and have sex with Kandy or Trixie or ... I was just going to say Mike, but... (Jack looks away) OR MIKE!

Jack:  Listen, Sarah, I tried to tell you.  I really wanted to, but I just couldn’t find the time.  You were so excited about getting the part and then once I got to know you, I didn’t want you to leave.

Sarah:  Oh, don’t try to make excuses now.  If you had really wanted to tell me, you would have found a time to do so. What were you going to do tomorrow when we had to film the Second Coming of Christ?  Just hope I didn’t notice?  Do you really think I’m that stupid?

Kandy: Well, if you want my opinion...

Jack & Sarah: WE DON’T!

Jack:  I was going to tell you tonight, I swear.

Sarah:  Well, now you don’t have to.  I hope you can find someone else to take it in the face because my face is no longer for the taking.  Goodbye!

Sarah storms out.